fragile love

Kiss, kiss Molly's lips
[ January 29, 2004, 9:00am ]

So I got my score back on diary reviews and received an average score of 78/100. For the most part, I need to fix the "bugs" in my layout and start writing more extensively. I thought that was pretty good advice.

So I went to my counselor yesterday. I was pretty upset about school, so we pretty much spent our entire session talking about that. I am getting an F in both Sci. Principles AND Geometry. Go me. She asked if she could talk to the school's counselor, Mrs. DeBoer, so I said it was okay. Barb said she just need to "fish around" and figure out what Mrs. DeBoer is all about. Also I told her about how Chris won't quit pressuring me to get help in school and blah, blah, blah. She said tell him how I truly feel. THEN she asked me if I was on the correct amount of medicine, because I seemed off-balance. I quickly said I was fine, and I changed the topic.

Today is day 7 of no meds. I know I SHOULD take them, but damnit I don't want to, and therefore I won't. I'm just too damn stubborn. Being bipolar is very difficult because people don't understand a lot of the time, and I feel like I have to wear a giant sign on my forehead saying "HEY!! LOOK AT ME! I AM BIPOLAR!!" in order for people to understand why I am so short-tempered. When it gets really bad, I feel like hurting people, throwing things, and hurting myself, which I have had problems with in the past. I have since stopped cutting, about 7-8 months ago, so that's something. But I still feel like hurting other people and inanimate objects. Which is why I cannot live with my mom. She is very physically/emotionally/mentally abusive and I can't live in that kind of environment until I am 18 or 19. She already abused me when I was little, and then I got kicked out in June 2003 for poor grades (seriously NOT my fault...). We are two very opposite, very different people, but it just hurts my feelings that no matter what I do or say, she still treats me like an ex-roommate, not a daughter. She makes me sick. Anyways...

Chris is going to the Orpheum Theatre today to pick up tickets for La Boheme, the French Opera, for Friday, January 30th. Both he and Vanessa are going, plus Dusty and I. Maybe it will give us a chance to tie up our loose ends. Dusty and I still haven't talked since Sunday night :-/ oh well I have no way of getting a hold of gim, plus his work schedule is so crazy. I really hope he quits his job soon, before it tears him to shreds even more than it already has.

*yawn* Man, I am so tired. I went to the Women's Self Protection class last night, and then there was an Introduction to Swords class after that. Not like it was hard work being there or anything, but fuck I am tired. I should have just gone straight home.

I *finally* have a new Marian sweatshirt! I was tired of waiting for my dad to be able to afford it, plus my old one had burn holes in it. So I put down $30 of my own money, and I will ask my dad if he could please pay me back. The sweatshirt is actually really nice, not $30 nice, but still it will keep me warm. Hehehe.

Ugh there is an all-school mass after this block. I suppose I will have to drag my lifeless body down to the New Gym and participate. They are so boring I am afraid I will turn to dust listening to Father whoever prattle on and on about Jesus and the Holy Spirit and whatnot. That's what church is for, NOT SCHOOL!!! If they want people to stay awake for school, they shouldn't hold all-school masses. Ever.

Well I am gonna go, bell's about to ring. bye bye.

Love,

Rachel

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